Центр Леся Курбаса - 2017 - ГО Джойфест ©

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Oleh Mykolaychyk-Nyzovets

 

Take the waiter from the heavens,

or

 why do we need the snow of yesteryear?

 

"...his world - is a school, and he is Demiurge, the teacher, the puppeteer and what is more - the honorable customer in a restaurant.  However, if one plays dolls for too long, there is a high probability of becoming a toy in Somebody's hands..."

 

(one act play)

 

Kyiv

Characters in the play:

Alphonse - an ex-waiter

Waiter – real-life

Waiter – cardboard cutout

The puppets: Mia, Dorota, Mirabel, Amanda, Sisilia, Rose, Diana (the puppets can be replaced by one or more actresses).

 There is a round restaurant table with three chairs in the middle of the stage.  There is a  cardboard cutout of a waiter presented upright present at the upstage.  The man in the black suit of a waiter goes to the stage very quickly, nevertheless, instead of a bow-tie,  his shirt is decorated with a tie.

 

Alphonse. Well, dear Alphonse, and you also can be welcomed.  Eventually, you yielded up your spirit! So let's have a party for the body, but the body, the body’s frozen up. Of course, because of the emotional experiences.  Waiter!  Waiter!

 

The waiter comes to the hall and stands politely a bit away from the table.  The man gets up from the chair but goes to the cardboard cutout instead of the real-life waiter.

 

A. (playfully refers to the cardboard cutout.)  I guess you might be pleased to hear that my name is Alphonse.  Anyway, I know a bit more about you than you may think.  And you think, while watching such a customer like me, you think nicely.  Been there, done that, you waiters.  (Seriously) Let's focus on the menu I’ve been looking at.  So, the menu!

 

Takes out the menu from the place under the groin of the cardboard cutout, whilst sitting down at the  table. The real-life waiter leans and freezes up in front of him in a  bow.  Alphonse looks at him with surprise.

 

A.  Indeed!  Would I care for a drink of something? Tea or coffee?  Tea would be ok! Tea, please!

 

The waiter goes behind the scenes.  The man rises from the table, straightening his suit, as before the performance.

 

A.  And now about the divine! This has happened - I gave my soul to God!  Just don't look at my body as it has nothing inside anymore. It has everything required for the continuation of mankind. Just I can't see continuation in my successors.  (Emotionally-pompously.) No, no and once again - no!!! My continuation is my followers or rather - female-followers, without successors but everyone of them with a part of my soul, of my unique blood type.  For that, I do love my female followers.  They love me even more though.  As it should be loved, when a common case goes too far.

 

Calming down, he sits down at the table.   From behind the scenes comes the waiter and silently places a cup of coffee.  The client begins to drink.

 

A.  How did you know I love this green tea? I just ordered a good tea.  Remember? As in that joke. The old Jew dies.  Relatives gather around and ask. Izya, how can you succeed at making such good tea?  Reveal the secret before going to the grave.  Eventually, Izya divorced and said: "Well, listen to my secret!" The Jews, spare no brew.  Ha-ha-ha!  But few are still lucky enough to remark of good tea.  And this cup of tea is good!.  Thanks!  Well, let’s accept this green tea as a green light for the whole evening! Good start!

 

Goes to the cardboard cutout stands next to it and hugs it familiarly.

 

A.  So! I have made a decision to devote myself to the arts, to create, and be in the service of the arts  is like giving your soul to God; and I gave it all! Completely.  You can try - I have just my body.  Here - feel. (Embraces the cardboard cutout.)What do you think?   What would people think of us?  Let's pretend we're dancing. (Dance with the cardboard cutout). Don't lean against me too much, and if you want to say something - whisper in my ear. What are you muttering about? Sorry, what?  What will your director think of us, if he sees the customer dancing with the waiter?  I guess, at first, he will think the customer is always right.  However, really, let's scatter, you - to the right and me - to the left. 

 

Dancing again goes to the table.  Notices the menu and starts to examine it again rapidly.  However, he meets with waiter's eyes who continues to stay at the table silently, and, after leaving the menu, draws himself a chair aside the table thoughtfully.  

 

A.  Alphonse, you're wrong.  You can't go to the left now, you just have no right to do that.  After all, all of your female followers are preparing now for their decisive life exams.  In theirs and your life. The poor - probably are really scared. And I can not choose anything on the menu.  For some reason, I am being slow.  Why?! After all, I am not scared. I’m as calm as if I know already everything in advance.  Although, I know nothing in advance.  I don't even know what will happen in five minutes.  I can only guess.(Rising) We must not waste any time!  The time - it's not just money - that's new exams every instant.  Which we pass or....

 

Comes towards the cardboard Cutout shoving under the groin the menu.  Stands next to it.

 

A.  I have made my choice.  Although it was a very difficult choice, however, I do hope, I can hardly be questioned in my taste!.  However, this one had so many tasty things.  A lot of.  A lot of, a looot! I don't know about others, but I am good at selecting sophisticated dishes with exotic flavour.  So, for me, dear, bring yesteryear snow, please, with no raisins, with no waffles and even with no shot.  Maybe just a little that one with pinkish-blueish tint.  For a wider variety, so to speak

 

Coming to the waiter.  Sits at the table.

 

A.  Bring me, please, burnt fried eggs, a cup of cold coffee, and then sit near me and moralize. (The waiter doesn't move.)You think, I am ....? No, everything is good with me.  I just suddenly got sad.  It happens. 

 

The waiter is going to fulfill an order.  Alphonse puts his legs on the table, clapping hands thrice.

 

A.  Girls! On stage! I'm already prepared! Come on, my babies, your little Alphonse is waiting for you.(Rushes out behind the scenes and dragging with baby dolls braids on the floor.). This is Mia - my greatest snow! She's from a poor family.  That's why she has been sleeping on an ironing board until she became a grown-up.  Since then she has been sleeping in a chair.  Mia wants me to caress her, but I just made love with her. She was interested in my concerns and I made her share her own with me.  She liked how I dress, I was fond of her undressing. 

          Oh, Mamma Mia! How good it was being with you!  (Puts the doll in front of himself.)  Sits down on a chair.  Just don't sleep.  Now you're about to take the most important exam in your life.  In front of me.  My dear girl - the whitest snow indeed.  You could stand my personality. (Kneels before her.) I gave you my art in return.  All-time waiter art of restaurants, big and small.   Oh, Mamma Mia! Just don't think Mia that I truly consider you to be my Mom.  No, no.  Italians just say in this way when, you know, while being in such an interesting condition...(Suddenly stands motionless, going a few steps back.  Then begins to talk with an amazement, stretching the words.)  Ma-mma M-i-a! Mia, are you asleep? How, you are sleeping before my eyes! Can it can be said, during my life glory?! Na-ugh-ty girl!!! Away! Go away from here! What are you sitting in? I said, get away from here!  (Grabs the doll throwing it behind the scenes)  The biggest snow, the quietest girl... No wonder they say that still waters run deep. Well, the hell with you.

 

Sits enraged at the table.

 

A.  Waiter!  Waiter!

 

The waiter comes from behind the scenes.  Stands near Alphonse's table.

 

A.  Waiter!  Next portion.

 

The waiter takes out from the counter the doll and puts her on a plate before Alphonse.

 

Dorota.  Do-ro-ta! My Warsaw snow.  That's when I suddenly got a wallop of such feelings for you, it seems, I am still being injured.  Ha-ha-ha!  Actually, for what reason just a little? For now I feel absolutely healthy.

          Dorota! Sunshine, if you are sitting on a plate, then eat at least something.  Don't be in shape, actually, all Poles aren’t.  You, Dorota, aren’t like everyone else.  You’re better than the whole Commonwealth of Poland and any of the female Poles in it. You wanted to know my occupation in the fatherland so badly.  Well, just really wanted.  And what about me?!...

          I guess, finally, I told her once.   All day long and late into the night, I work at the restaurant and I am paid for that.  Are you really a waiter? You’ve clapped your hands and after that, she went on long ago forgotten epistolary genre way of our communication.  Such letters!  Just a goose feather, decorated with gold, I do not know exactly from which goose, could symbolize your talent, your genius. This was when I realised that you’re truly better than the whole  Commonwealth of Poland. And...and...and(Worrying was going from corner to corner.)  I invited you to my newly created Waitress School.

          And now, my genius little girl, imagine yourself sitting not on a plate like painfully suspicious and capricious Lady who studies the menu and can't make a choice what to order.  The waiter recommends you a branded food - Jellied tongue.  Whereon you rightly state: "Do you really think I will take in my mouth something that has already been in someone's mouse".  Whereon the waiter has just offered to order fried eggs.  "In that case a couple of eggs - and a few good words for a dessert..." - you asked politely.  Where are the eggs!

 

Alphonse snapped out at the waiter who was standing silently.  He hides behind the scenes quickly, coming back with a plate of eggs immediately.

 

 A.  "So, how about those good words which I've ordered after eggs?" - you sighed.  And then I leaned against you, passionately grabbed with my lips your little ear and began to bill and coo:"Don't eat these incubatory eggs, my dear, better taste a tongue, my tongue".

 

Grabs the doll from the plate, embracing it to himself.  Then throws it to the waiter, who hides it under the jacket. 

 

A.  Take it away, in another case I can't keep myself from it.  Excellent pupil.  Straight A student. With the best diploma.  Ooh! I getting tired.

 

Laying down in a chair.  From the ceiling place, wherever he looks at, is tied by a rope for a foot to the bottom upside down, directly under his nose is falling the following doll.

 

Another honours student –Mirabel, unmatched beauty. A woman who could stir up the imagination and fantasy of men like no one else. Who was interesting to be with, and to some extent shameless - very interesting.  She was able to drive any man into ecstasy.  She did that to me also, so I was going to give her everything to make her ask for nothing in return.   And when I had given her all my ideas, she wanted my soul as well.  When I was giving to her my flowers - she also needed my grounds.  When I was giving her my sweat, she needed my blood additionally.  And when I gave her all my love, she began to demand my entire life.

          That's what she is –the unmatched beauty of Mirabel.  Who has never eaten an ice-cream, and, in general, treated winter with disdain.  Because you have never liked to watch the snow fall, I could not give you my entire life. Maybe... could ...you begin. (Stands up on tiptoe.) Well, come on, come on... Show how the yesteryear snow has been falling. (Hanged on by the feet doll is being dropped down to the very floor little by little.)You mean, you're a snowflake.  But, Mirabel, a snowflake has to whirl, not just fall downward.  Waiter!  Arrange the wind. 

 

The waiter comes. The doll is again on the rope rises to the level of the head. The waiter is blowing on her and she, swaying, disappears behind the scenes.

 

          Farewell Mirabel! You made me to fantasize, in return, I taught you how to be a snowflake.  One day you will fall onto somebody's forehead and will become just an ordinary drop.  As for me, Mirabel, you have been always a snowflake.  I wonder whom you were for yourself? (Comes to the Cardboard Cutout.)Waiter, who was she to herself?

 

Behind the scenes comes the waiter with a tray, on which is a black-coloured doll. Stops in front of the table politely.

 

 This is, in fact, an overseas dish. Amanda-my darkest snow. 

 

Takes the tray from the waiter and puts it on the table.  Takes from the tray black-skinned doll.  Kisses.  Again puts on a train.

 

 This woman was unmatched in throwing lances.  She told me, that from her native Nigeria she sometimes could throw a lance to the Ivory Coast.  And once she lanced into an elephant, which grew so angry that it drove itself into the ocean and drowned. And then, surely, the waves of the Atlantic carried his bones onto The Ivory Coast.  This distressed my black-skinned beauty Amanda so much, that she immediately registered with the society for the wild animals protection.  And began hunting season for man.

 

Grabs the doll and began to run on the stage with frenzied shouting, mimicking the savages.

 

She hunted for man with such a passion that even Cleopatra would be jealous about it.  Loved to pink with her spear either white-skinned brunets with blue eyes or black-skinned athletes with white eyes.  And so was till her spear hit one of the waiters. (Throws a mop towards the cardboard Cutout, which is falling down onto the floor. And immediately falls down next to the Cardboard Cutout, holding the doll over himself.) Ironically, but this waiter was exactly I.  And for some reason, I was the last, after me, you have stopped your African hunting. (Stands up.)This, of course, roused my indignation.  Did I get the raw end of the deal, or what?! I never used to be a whipping boy and I'm not going to be now, even if I would be lead as a bull on the arena down the aisle.  If you want to get married, go on.  But don't take me onto this precipice.  That's not good.  Cheesy.  Not European-like. 

          However, after one week she begged to let her go to the four winds.  And by the way, at first, seemingly, trivial circumstances.   As the experienced waiter, I've noticed that almost all overseas customers from time to time like to taste some form of national cuisine: Frenchman - to taste a frog's leg, Ukrainian to have a bowl of Borsch, Russians - to eat a cabbage soup with a spoon for a while.    But I've never seen an African man ordering anything native - African.  That's why I imposed upon Amanda to cook for me.  And made her to eat everything she cooked for me.  You see the result.  Waiter - show the dish, please.  (The waiter demonstrates the audience a dish with Amanda.) I don't know how about you, but I really like the parsley and spinach around it.  You know, it reminds of green wreaths  Waiter - next dish!

 

The waiter comes out with a dish from the scenes, while Alphonse rises and sets on the previous place the Cardboard Cutout.

 

A.  Oh God, I'm such a lonely.   I'm so miserable, who would only know.  I have nobody to open my mouth for.

 

Goes behind the scenes, coming back from there with doll wrapped in a  cradle.

 

A.  You're not so lonely, Alphonse.  It is said, you're not alone.  One plus one.  Ha-ha-ha!

Sisilia.  Almost a child. Till she met me she has been nowhere but Berlin.  However, she knew her place, she loved him badly, felt his mood.  Oh! It was worth seeing.  (Sets up a cradle and swing the doll in it.)  I visited with her all the nooks of Berlin.  And she loved it so much, that I became even jealous of her to it.  And so until one day my patience shook up.  Make your choice - either me or Berlin - I said to her decidedly.   The poor girl, on that moment she loved both me and Berlin.  But as it is said, youthfulness won.  You can see I am no more than 30 years old, unlike thousand-year-old cities.  Well, as a last resort, no more than 35.  So, we with Sisilia waved together with our hands to Berlin.  I also had a thought on that moment, how nice to be young.  So, the youthfulness won!

          You, Sisilia, as you were a child at heart so you remained.  I can't give bad marks to such girls!.  So you’ve passed your exam perfectly.  So now you can return to your Berlin.

          Waiter, waiter!  Send her back home, but when it will last year's snow dropping over Berlin.  (The waiter stands still near the cradle.)  Waiter, you've forgotten how to fulfill customers desires.  (The waiter takes off the cradle and goes out.)

 

A.  I've kept the receipt on the parcel which I've sent to Rose.  

 

Takes the receipt out from his pocket.  Behind the scenes, the doll looks out but doesn't go onto the stage.

 

Rose.  She bears little resemblance to my aunty Rose, who , as everybody knows,  lives in Brazil.  However, as aunty, also can't stand the wild monkeys.  And, as well as aunty, never believed in the theory of Charles Darwin.  Although, frankly speaking, she didn't believe in any theories.  But only in an experiment. Just for the sake of experiment, she put a little of poison into the food of her second husband and without any remorse watched him eating all these with such an appetite quietly. Although, probably, she might feel at least some remorse, but only when husband asked for an additional portion.  The poor, later doctors made a conclusion this additional portion finished him off.

          I also was no more than just an experiment for you. Do you remember, in the morning I knocked at your hotel room when you'd been staying in our hotel.   That was the first time I brought you breakfast in bed and stayed there.  It cost me a good job.  It happens, you were just curious: could you forget with me about lunch and dinner too? As it turned out, you also have forgotten about the next breakfast too.  That astonished my pride.  And then you went to Brazil and I sent after you a parcel into which I packed blue and fluffy snow in memory of our single meeting.

          Now I want you to give me back my last year's present.  I want you to take me back my snow. It's your exam.  Your future.  As it's your last year's snow.

          But wait, whom I am saying this.  Whom I'm saying all these? How could that be, you didn't come to your exam?! You've ignored me - me - your mentor?! Na-ugh-ty girl!!! In that case, you've failed your life exam.  Although wait, I guess I can get your point.  You've not kept my snow, that's why you didn't come.  Well, when you are able to find last year's snow, then you can come back.  We will assume that your exam is still being taken.  It seems that's all!

 

From the ceiling goes down another doll lined out with a rope.

 

Diana! Dear, Diana! How could I forget about you?  Meet - my neighbour Diana.  I met her in a restaurant thought, knowing nothing about her close existence.  She was with her female friend to whom I passed a quite diplomatic note.  I can even read it aloud.  (Takes out a note.) I am still keeping it. (Reads aloud.) "I fell in love with You as soon as I saw you and therefore I can't live without You.  I invite you to have dinner at my place tomorrow.  If you are, unexpectedly, busy tomorrow, then send my invitation to the blonde who is sitting to the left from You."

          Diana, you were sitting at the very left.  Then was a night when we came into your large spacious apartment.  You've been hesitating for a long time, at first flushed, then paled, until you dared to tell me shyly that you are..., that you are ... Notice, it was said at 2 a.m. You told me you can't dance at all.  And you suffer greatly because of that.

          Notice again, I didn't get you into a bed promising sometime to teach you how to dance.  No and once again no! I immediately started teaching you without letting you go until the very morning.  And you turned you to be a talented student.  (Comes to the waiter.)

          Waiter! Imagine that you're my partner and I'm yours! (The waiter stands motionless.)  Waiter!  You might have forgotten, the customer is always right. 

 

The waiter puts the hand oh Alphonse's shoulder and they began to dance the Argentine tango.

 

          Before you learn how to dance you have to learn one truth: the art of dance is based on such thing - the female partner should take away her leg before the male partner will step on it. 

 

Tries to step on the waiter's foot while dancing who avoids that continually.  Eventually, he succeeded to press a partner then the waiter grabbing leg leaped around the stage.

 

          That's what happens when a female partner takes a leg away before male partner steps onto it. 

 

Takes the doll off the rope.  Sits down with her at the table.

 

          Enough memories.  Let's better refresh us.  As I am already hungry.  How about you?  Do you want to have something to eat?  What, what, what! (Leans towards her, as if whispering to one another. Laughs saucily.) You have never told me that before.  Fine - go.  But I'll wait for you.  (Throws the doll to the waiter, who passes it behind the scenes.)  Just like I've been waiting for last year's snow all this time.

 

A.  Drink something or what?   Waiter, bring me please something to have a drink of.

 

The waiter goes behind the scenes.  In a minute he comes back with a tray on which is a glass covered with a napkin.

 

O. Tea or coffee? - suddenly said the waiter, still being motionless as he was before.

A.  Coffee.

O. You are way off  - tea! - puts the glass before stunned Alphonse.

A.   And you....and you...what are you talking about!!!(Whirling around the waiter.)  So you're actually talking. And me, I am a goof.  I'm such a goof.  Probably it's all the end. Come now, say something.

O. What?

A.  Whatever! For instance, - the end.

O. (Turns himself to the audience.) The end.

A.(Throws up his hands before the audience like guilty)  The end!  (Turns to the waiter.)  Tell me, does this performance have at least a happy ending?

O. I think so.  At least, the audience is very pleased when all these will finish.  The end!

 

Both bow and go behind the scenes.  Soon they come back.  Changing roles.   The waiter dressed as Alphonse sits down at the table and Alphonse dressed as the waiter and stands in his place.

 

O. The waiter!  Menu!

A.  Here you are! (Gives the menu politely.)

O. Why is the menu without prices?

A.  We didn't want to spoil your appetite!

O. Logical.  In that case, waiter, bring me a glass of Abrosia!

A.  Sorry, what???...

O. Well, you don't know? It's nectar of the Gods!

A.   Sorry, I didn't even recognize you!

O. You might be kidding.  You know you can be sent to Coventry.

A.  I know. So I go. ( Goes behind the scenes.)

O. Where're you going? Stop! Waiter! Stop!  (Runs behind the scenes.)  Waiter, waiter, waiter!!!...

 

The c u r t a i n .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The play was performed in Belorussia, in the Janka Kupala National Theatre, located in Minsk and in  the P. Saksaganskyy Bilotserkovsky Theatre.

 

Contact details:  050-826-46-51;  oleh_kyiv@ukr.net

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